“So now we draw near freely and boldly to where grace is enthroned, to receive mercy’s kiss and discover the grace we urgently need to strengthen us in our time of weakness.” Hebrews 4:16 TPT
Recently, while postured face down in prayer and waiting for the presence of the Lord to cover me and gently carry me into His throne room, I was confronted with a buried memory from several years ago. In a vision, the Holy Spirit showed me a trashcan and I watched as His hand reach inside of it and took out a bloody towel. I recognized the scene immediately and before I could stop myself, I whispered out loud, “Oh no, no, no – I don’t want to do this.”
One day, while pregnant with my first daughter and struggling in a marriage that was rapidly disintegrating, my husband came home from work, started an angry conversation, and defiantly declared that he never wanted to be married and he didn’t want to be a father. I was absolutely crushed and locked myself in the bathroom. The deepest sadness I had ever known came over me and I cried so hard that both of my nostrils began to bleed. I freaked out and pulled down the hand towel from the wall. When my double nosebleed eventually stopped and I was completely depleted of all my emotions, I unlocked the bathroom door and exited that chamber of hell. I felt such a heaviness in my heart and shame invaded my soul. I was carrying the soiled towel in my hand like it was evidence from a crime scene that I had to hide or get rid of in the dark. And looking back now, it was truly a murder of my hope. I pulled out the trashcan, dropped it in, and prayed that I could forget that moment. And for nine years that prayer was answered.
In the vision, I could see His hand holding onto the towel just as it had looked when I last saw it. And that’s when I felt this power surge through my heart. I knew God was showing me how upset He was about that day. How heartbroken He was at the words that were said and the dismantling of this marriage that was going down fast. I knew God could have done something about what had happened in that moment. He could have disciplined my husband. He could have stepped in and brought divine justice. I suddenly knew that He was capable of handling the situation like the God we know from the Old Testament accounts, and I was overcome with gratitude that had He shown mercy instead. My heart might have felt differently nine years ago, but now there was no way I would want him to be punished for those damaging words. I cried out in thankfulness for His mercy, not just for that instance, but for all the times He chose not to take action against my sin. Instead, He rescued me and redeemed me.
As He stood and held the towel, it was restored to a brilliant white, and He promised, “That will never happen to you again.” I believed Him wholeheartedly. And in that moment, I realized that for almost a decade I had been afraid to really let out a good cry for fear of bleeding again. Instantly, He refilled the fountain of living water in me. Then, He said, “Look, even your pain must bow to Me.” And it hit me that whenever I get face-down before Him, everything about me surrenders to the sovereignty of His heart. My pain, my past, my sin, and all that I carry on me and within me is released back at the foot of the cross.
When He lifts my head inside the throne room, I know I am changed forever, and I rise up free and made whole. What a beautiful way Jesus has made for us to come anytime into the Heavens and have full access to the heart of the Father and receive the healing touch of His loving mercy and grace. Jesus told us the path to Him is narrow and very few will ever find it, and I believe for those of us who are walking on it now, we cover it face down in His glory and we exalt His name with a praise that echoes in the heavens and on earth forever.
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