In a few days, I’ll be turning 39 years old and I’ve been talking to the Lord about this past decade of my life. A few months ago, He began to whisper into my heart a timeline of His victory in my darkest hours. As He held me, He was imparting His strength and courage directly into my spirit, so that I’d share moments of my thirties that have never been spoken or written…
Right before my 30th birthday, I was a mom to two babies, not even 1 and 2 years old yet. I’d been in a relationship since I was 23 to a man who wore many masks, most of which came off after we got married. My strong desire to be a mother overrode all the alerts the Holy Spirit sent me for many years. Not living in the will of God, but in the plans of my own imagination, I got tangled in a very dark web of lies, deception, and manipulation. By the time I had children, my world was very small and restricted … and I was desperately afraid. I feared for my life and the safety of my daughters every second of every day.
I began to have dreams about a cloud that was following me and eventually overtook me. The dreams terrified me at first, because I knew they were from God. After the same dream kept coming to me at night, I experienced such a peace inside this cloud that I could not explain. It was a sensation I hadn’t had in what seemed like forever. One afternoon, I told my parents in tears on their couch that I wasn’t sure when it would happen, but I knew God was going to rescue me from this pit of hell. A few weeks later, I was in my bedroom when I heard a voice coming through the baby monitor from down the hall. It was the sound of a voice I once knew, but was now unrecognizable as it muttered a plan to take my life into the ear of my little baby. Instantly a supernatural force that felt like fire rose up inside of me and began packing a bag. Within a few minutes, I was standing on the sidewalk clutching my babies while my parents pulled up to save us.
Over the next two years, my Cloud by day and my Fire by night, guided me and fiercely protected me as everything I held onto was now gone from my life. The material things didn’t sting like the vacating people did. Within a matter of weeks, the army carrying my wounded heart through the battle of divorce consisted of just a handful of people. And because of God through them, I’m alive today. Don’t ever overlook who stands beside you when the cloud covers and the fire falls … that’s who God has given you that will still be there holding your hand in midnights of every season. When I look at their armor today, my spirit leaps that we have the same dents in our shields and the same banner of victory waving from our hearts. God didn’t just give me parents and a brother, He blessed me with the greatest Kingdom warriors I’ve ever met.
If had known the pain and heartache and devastating loss of divorce, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to step out when God parted the seas, but in His cloud of glory and holy fire of might He somehow made a way for us on the road named Impossible. I didn’t see it billowing on the horizon then, but a few more storms were on the way.
At 31, I was remarried and relocated to Atlanta. That first year of marriage was a mountain God moved for us and a fire walk of purification through many tears of resurfacing disappointments and unhealed moments. It was the greatest exposure of my life to every weakness I still had and all the lies that had been buried somewhere during my twenties. Even in the mirror that marriage places before us all, I was clouded and on fire, because God was there too. He gave us grace that still abounds and keeps showing us how to extend His mercies to each other every day. I’m so thankful for His cloud that keeps shrouding my vulnerabilities, only letting them come into His light when they’re used for His glory. And I praise Him that His fire is still upon me, burning my lips clean and fanning faith into flame when I fall short.
At 32, we embarked on a curve in the road that led to the deepest valley of my life. My youngest daughter Kara was three years old and not talking. The insurance company told us they wouldn’t approve speech therapy without a diagnosis, so we made an appointment with their recommendation … a date with hell. I showed up optimistic with Kara’s prophetic word from her baby dedication in a red folder and no idea what was coming next. Over the next hour, we were told things like Kara would never speak and we should put her in a home for children like her. He proceeded to keep a list going of everything she would never be able to do in her lifetime, until I stood up, picked her up, and walked out. It was the first time, but certainly not the last, that I would have to endure the word ‘autism’.
Though we’ve canceled every one of those word curses from that day and we’ve come against many prayers over the years that we should just accept Kara as she is and not expect God to bring her any further, it’s the constant state of warfare we live in. I’m not complaining one bit about it, because my faith has come so far because of my dependence on God’s word to be made manifest in her life. Though the world has rejected her, God has given us a precious jewel of Heaven and her love has softened all of our rough edges and brought forth a compassion we now carry as a family inheritance. Because of Kara, I must forgive those who don’t accept her and I’ve learned to thank God that those people don’t know the things I’ve had to know and stand in the fires I’ve had to burn out for her. And day by day, miracles are breaking out in our home because of Kara … whose name means bowed down, by the way. Her Cloud and Fire have consumed me during many broken hours where the battle was raging and the victory was long awaited. Turns out, they were all wrong about her, because she’s talking in full sentences, finally sharing her thoughts with us, and we’re now granted access by God to the depths of her heart through her own words of life. PRAISE HIM!
I could tell you many more testimonies of great triumphs in desperate situations, like how I’ve stood in a courtroom every year of my thirties and fought to get my name back and protect my daughters from the destruction of this fatherless generation. Or how God wins every time over the sickness and calamity that strikes when my mom and I step out in faith to teach the disciples among us what’s on His heart every year. I know you have a novel of His faithfulness being written in Heaven as well, glory!
As the year comes to an end, look back and see where the Cloud and Fire have been extra present for you and tell someone about it. Your witness is a covering and your prayers an ignition in the heavens. And know that whatever is ahead, you are not alone and the God who moves in our midst is coming through all the elements to reveal Himself to you, face to face. May you seek Him and find Him in every cloud and every fire. Amen.
“And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light.” Exodus 13:21
“And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the LORD, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony” Lev. 16:13
“And you came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness.” Deut. 4:11
“And the LORD will create upon every dwelling place of mount Zion, and upon her assemblies, a cloud and smoke by day, and the shining of a flaming fire by night: for upon all the glory shall be a defense.” Isaiah 4:5
“And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the color of amber, out of the midst of the fire.” Ezekiel 1:4
“And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven, clothed with a cloud: and a rainbow was upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his feet as pillars of fire.” Revelation 10:1
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